Be careful what you say.

I’ve been taking a trip down memory lane the past several months, just to see who and what I remember, and who remembers me. On this journey, I’ve bumped into a few people I hadn’t expected to find. Inevitably, the conversation heads in the direction of “do you remember when you ……” It amazes me the things that people remember. I had one of these conversations just this past weekend. I vividly remember the story I’m about to relate. I was just surprised anyone else would.

So I’m doing time down at the local Catholic High School. If you’ve ever been to Catholic school, you know what I mean. I’m doing my best to keep a low profile, do my time and get out. The Catholic school was full of nuns, and nuns aren’t necessarily the most cheerful people you’ll ever run across. Shows like “The Flying Nun” or “The Sound of Music” are not accurate depictions of nuns and/or their demeanor. My experience has always been that nuns are kind of cranky, not real pleasant to tell the truth. There was one, particularly cranky nun at this school. Let’s call her SCR. (I’m withholding the name purely for my own protection; she may still be out there). And SCR always looked like she was ready for battle. She always scowled, she never smiled and she had no sense of humor.

The students are out in the yard waiting to go back in to class after lunch one fine spring day. The day was gorgeous. It was a warm, sunny, springy day. There was a slight breeze; the birds were singing, flowers blooming and there was not a cloud in the sky. All was right with the world. I don’t know who spotted it first but there was an excitement building in the crowd. There, crossing the street was SCR, and she was SMILING. A big beaming smile. At first everyone was caught off guard, no one knew quite what to do. When the realization hit as to what we were witnessing, a cheer went through the crowd for nobody, I mean NOBODY, had ever seen SCR smile before. As SCR entered the yard, the crowd gathered around her.

I’m just hanging at the back. I don’t want to be part of the crowd. I sure don’t want to be around SCR if her mood changes. I’m at the back with just one or two other guys. Watching, waiting, trying to determine what will happen next.

So the first brave sole makes a comment “SCR, You’re smiling”, then it starts. Everyone’s now making comment, “You look so good,”, “You look so Happy” and all manner of other positive feedback. All are agape at the phenomenon. And SCR is eating it up. The more people comment, the wider she smiles.

I have to admit, I can be a bit of a wise guy. And I’m at the back of the crowd. I’m not really even part of the crowd. So as everyone is commenting how nice SCR looks when she’s smiling, I lean over to the guy next to me and whisper “Ah, she’s probably just got gas”.

Unbeknownst to me, nuns are endowed with super human hearing. Apparently it’s one of the Devine gifts that is bestowed upon them when the graduate from the nunnery. SCR has heard my oh so soft whisper, and she’s not happy. That smile disappeared. In its place grew a snarl. SCR’s eyes were like fire and she was belching smoke. You could see the rage well up inside her. She had heard the whisper, she knew who said it, and she was out for blood, my blood. She came wading through that crowd like Godzilla through Tokyo. She grabbed me by the collar. Next thing I know, my feet are off the ground and she’s pulling me toward her office. (SCR is like, 5 foot nothing by the way, and I’m 6 feet tall).

I try to explain myself. I try to tell her it isn’t an insult, it’s a joke. You know, like what they say when a baby smiles. She’s not listening. She doesn’t care because she is mad, and I’m the one who made her mad.

At the Catholic school, they don’t give out detention or suspension. They give out demerits. There’s an escalating scale a punishment associated with getting demerits. At 5, you need to bring in a note from home, at 10, they call your parents, at 15, your parents have to come in, at 20, you get asked not to return at the end of the year, at 21, you are asked to leave by the end of the day. This day, I think I set a one day record for earning demerits. You see, I think I got just over 100.

SCR has me in her office; she’s yelling and writing up demerits. But I’m laughing. I’m sorry, but it was a funny comment and her reaction was priceless. All fear has now left me, and I’m dying. I'm in tears I'm laughing so hard. I'm not even trying nor able to hide the fact that I'm in hysterics. She sees me laughing and goes just ballistic. The madder she gets, the harder I laugh. I got demerits for insubordination, improper attire, being too tall, being too short, smiling, not smiling, not being serious, being too serious, making a face, laughing, not doing my homework, not paying attention. You name it, if she could think of it; I got a demerit for it. My stack of demerits was about an inch and a half thick by the time she kicked me out of her office. She wanted an apology. She wanted a written apology. And she wanted to see my parents, both my parents, in her office, before school TOMORROW. I left her office and went home for the rest of the day. I just couldn’t see myself going to class. I was laughing too hard.

Now I thought about telling my parents about all that has happened for exactly and precisely 1 whole second. There was no way I was telling my father, the guy who would argue religion with the priests AND WIN!. I’m going to go tell him I just told a nun she had gas and now she wants to see him? He’s going to take the morning out of work for that? No way. That’s not going to happen. That would go over like a fart in church.

The next morning I go drifting over to SCRs office fully expecting to be told to leave, permanently. There she is, sitting behind her desk. She asked where my parents were, I made up some weak lie. I knew I was lieing, so did she. She stood up from her desk and came over to me. She told me that she had relayed the previous afternoon’s excitement to the other nuns. She said, they laughed. She said they “explained” the comment to her and the humor of it. She said she understood now that it was a joke, and not intended as an insult. She asked for the demerits back. She said she still had to dole out some kind of punishment. She gave me 5 demerits and told me she wanted a public apology. I gave her that apology the same day, after lunch as she walked across the street.

As I was leaving her office, she gave me a big smile. Now I was scared again.