Things I won't do three times.....CONTINUED

The list of things I’ll try not to do three times is almost endless. I’ve told these stories countless times. It’s time to write some of them down. I don’t want to forget any and end up starting a list called, “Things I won’t do four times”. The following is just another example of something I won’t do three times.

Touch a live 220V electric line.

So, as you know, I’m a guy. And as a guy, I think I can fix things, anything. Why hirer a ----------- (you fill in the blank), I can fix that myself. My father used to say he could fix anything but a broken heart. Well, me too damn it. I own tools; I can take care of it. I’m here to tell you that this mind set only leads to trouble and in many cases, pain. Lots of pain. Lots and lots of pain.

One day the dryer stops working. It turns on, it gets hot, but it doesn’t tumble. The wife wants to buy a new dryer. (She’s the brains of the outfit really; someday I’ll learn to listen to her). No I say. Buying a new dryer isn’t going to happen if I have any say in the matter. About three months and a hundred trips to the Laundromat later, she says to me “either fix that thing or buy a new dryer, I’m done with the Laundromat.” So I turn off the TV, get up off the couch, complement her on her innate ability to be a pest and go look at the dryer. I pry the top of the dryer open and very quickly diagnose the problem. There’s a thin belt that wraps around the drum. When the belt turns, the drum turns. Just like a bicycle chain around the sprocket. Now this belt is only about ½ inch wide. And it’s slipped off the drum. I can fix that, I don’t even need my tools. So I grab the belt and try to get it back around the drum. I pull, I tug, I twist, I turn but it won’t go. Eventually, I figured I should get part of it on the drum, then turn the drum and the rest will slip on, well, just like putting a bike chain back on a sprocket. That was actually a good plan. I was proud for I had diagnosed the problem, developed a solution was implementing said solution and saving tons of dough not replacing the dryer. And the plan was working. Until that is, I dragged the back of my hand across the power connector. My hand came out of there like it was rocket propelled. And the pain!!!! It felt like I had been hit in the elbow by a ball peen hammer. Now I’m doing the angry dance. The jaw’s moving up and down. Only this time sound is coming out. The legs are moving, and I’m moving. I’m weaving a tapestry of obscenity like you can only imagine, and loud. I’m jumping around the laundry room just a crashing and a banging into everything. I’m kicking and screaming because, after all, I’m a guy and it hurt and I’m too old to cry.

The boss, who is in the other room, hears the commotion and comes a runnin. She asks what happened, and I try to tell her. Now this is really hard to do through all the pain and confusion, and ruckus that is happening at the time. Naturally, she doesn’t understand. So I yell, “I touched THAT!!!!” and point. And she says “what?”. So I yelled "I touched THAT!!!” and pointed again. And she said “what?” I said, quite loudly this time “TTHHHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!” only this time when I pointed, I touched it again. If you think getting hit in the elbow with a ball peen hammer once is bad, try doing it twice. Now I’m yelling, only the yell is a little higher pitched. I’m no longer jumping around because, well I’m in a state of shock and most of my body parts are no longer working.

Eventually, the pain subsides, I stop my temper tantrum and things quiet down. It’s at this point my wife comes in and says, “Why don’t you just unplug it?” Did I forget to mention she’s a genius? Where was she 15 minutes earlier?