I’m going to suspend telling stories of the things I won’t do three times for now. There are just so many more topics yet to cover. It’s not for want of material. The list of material goes on and on and on. Oh sure, I may reminisce with another story or two. Stories like:
• Why I only have two children.
One Girl, one boy. You stop at perfection, right? (Gotta be careful, they may read this someday)
• I’ll never be beat up by a girl again
Yup that’s right, beat up by girls. Once was trying to get a woman who had had too much to drink out of my apartment And the second time, all I’ll say right now is it took two of them, and my own brother stood by and watched. And he was laughing.
• I’ll not tease my mother-in-law.
Yes, I’ve made her cry twice now. The last time was after she spent several days making a very special dinner. She hand rolls gnocchi. She rolled pasta for days. Her gnocchi is great by the way. After dinner I jokingly referred to it as “Pasta Pellets”. I haven’t been invited back to her house for dinner since. We’re pushing 15 years on this one.
• I’ll never, ever drop another ladder on my head
Can you believe I’ve done this twice? The first time was putting away the pool ladder. Who in their right mind hangs up a pool ladder? It fell off the hooks and smacked me in the head. Knocked me down and out. When I came to, I was bleeding and trapped. The second time was painting the house. You know you’re in trouble when you’ve got your head stuck between the rungs of a ladder that weighs more than you do, and the ladder is tipping over backwards.
• Best Lisa in an argument
In the over 25 years I’ve been married, I’ve won exactly two “debates”. One was getting control of the finances; the other was where we were going to live. I guess I’m doing better the some guys. Some guys don’t win any. I’ll keep trying, I just don’t think it’s going to happen.
• Get a dog
Tried it twice, just not a pet person I guess. And boy are there dog stories. Like the time I was watching TV and the dog came up and put it's head in my lap. I couldn't get this dog to come to me if I was wearing a meat suit. Now its come up on its own and snuggled up to me, how nice. As soon as I started scratching it's head, it peed on my feet. Or the time the dog got loose in the house while Lisa and I were at work. That dog left everything is the house alone, except my stuff. And what it got, it ate. Lisa had more shoes that Imelda Marcos. I had exactly 4 pair. Two pair of dress shoes, 1 pair of sneakers, and 1 pair of work boots. Did it touch any of Lisa's? Nooooo. The only shoes it touched were my dress shoes. I found a couple of heals and part of a sole, that's all that was left. It also ate my good dress leather belts. Only found the buckles of those.
• Take an adventure walk
First time, ended up in a tidal river with two kids on my shoulders and water up to my neck. I’m waving for HELP!!! Everyone on the beach was waving HELLO!!! The second time, well they had to send out a rescue party. I wasn’t lost in the woods with the kids; I was looking for an alternative way home. I would have found it too, I was soooooo close
There is enough detail behind each of these stories to write a short book. And I'm sad to say, this still isn’t the complete list.
Every now and then I just have to ask myself why on earth I repeat my mistakes. The answer of course is: sometimes you just have to do things twice, just to make sure the first one wasn’t a fluke of nature, a random occurrence that just couldn’t possibly happen again.
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