I think I’ve mentioned that I was on the seven year plan for college. I went for two years. I was forced into early retirement and after two and a half years off, went back and finished up. I was twenty twoish (give or take a few months) when I returned. As such I had been out on my own for a few years. When I decided to go back, Dear ole Dad made me a deal. In order to enable me save some money, he offered to let me live at his house. While I was in school, I didn’t have to pay Room and Board. That was a good deal so I took him up on his offer.
When I went back to college I was going to school full time and working full time. It was tough schedule. Typically, I was on campus until 3:00 or 3:30. I worked from 4:00 to 12:30. It took me a half hour to get home. When I got home I had to eat, study and get ready for class the next day. I wouldn’t get to sleep most nights until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. I really hated 8:00 AM classes.
Living at home had some perks. Yeah, not having to pay for an apartment was nice. However, it was all the little things that really took the sting out of life. Things like, I never had to go food shopping and there was always toilet paper in the bathroom. One of the things that was really great was if my dirty clothes were down by the washer/dryer Mom would do my laundry. That was awesome. She’d wash it, dry it, fold it, put the shirts on hangers. Nothing was ever wrinkled when Mom did laundry. I just loved that. I tried to make sure my laundry was always in front of the washer.
I was lying in bed one morning. It was one of those days that I didn’t have an early class. I’d say it was about 9:00 AM. A real treat, I got to sleep in. I woke up because the whole house was shaking. As I was rousing I could hear pounding coming from down stairs. All of a sudden I heard a very loud, “jooosssssEEEEPPPPHHHHH!!!" I tried to ignore it. I then heard a loud, staccato "JOSEPH!" I rolled over and mumbled “wwhhhattttt???” I then heard pound, pound, pound, coming up the stairs. The whole time I’m listening to the pounding I could hear my mother yelling “JOSEPH, GET UP.” I’m half asleep. I’ve only been sleeping four hours or so. I’m lying in bed trying to wake up now. I’m trying to figure out just what is going on. Next thing you know the door to my room explodes open. It’s the Mom-inator, she’s in the doorway and she’s breathing fire. The door bounces off the wall as mom yells "GET UP, I WANT TO SEE YOU DOWN STAIRS AND I WANT TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW!!!!" I looked at her and asked if it could wait until I woke up a little bit. Mom-enstien yelled “NO IT CAN’T WAIT. I WANT TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW IN THE BASEMENT. DO YOU HEAR ME? NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!” I’m like, awwwww, what now, give me a break. She just looked at me and said “NOWWWWWWWW!!!" As I started to get up she headed back to the stairs. As she started down she yelled "I WANT YOU NOWWWWWWW!!!" I yelled back “Give me a second, I’m looking for some pants.” She yelled back to forget the pants. She wants to see me, and she wants to see me now. Uh oh, what have I done?
As I got to the kitchen, I can see Robo-mom standing by the open basement door. I slowly walked over and asked what this was all about. She looked at me and said “You keep your mouth shut mister and get in the basement. I want an explanation and I want it now. Don’t you even try to lie to me, I know what you kids are like, I know what’s going on. I can’t BELIEVE you……..” She was still ratchet jawing as I climbed down the basement stairs. We got to the bottom and I looked at Predator-mom and asked “now what?” She walked over to the washer and dryer and said “That, right there I want to know what those are. And you better tell me the truth. Don’t you make me go get your father. You don’t want HIM involved with this so, you better tell me and you better be quick about it.”
I slowly walked over to the dryer. I’m in my underpants, half asleep and I’m not wearing my glasses. I’m trying to see what the heck has her so spun up. I looked over at the Mother of Chuckie. She’s standing there with her arms folded across her chest. She had a look of pure evil about her. There was anger emminating from every facet of her being. You could feel it, you could see it, you could just taste it. Fire was coming from her eyes. She’s just standing there, and she’s tapping her foot. The foot is tapping at about 100 beats a second. This woman is spun up and she’s spun up good. She’s ready to explode, I don’t think I’ve ever seen mom this mad, let alone been the cause.
So as I head to the dryer, I mutter “How am I supposed to know?” I thought the top of her head was about to come off. “AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, because they came out of YOUR SHIRT POCKET” she yelled. Mommy Dearest had started my laundry. Apparently she found something she didn’t like. Now she's peeked my curiosity. Now I want to know what it is. I looked at the dryer and there they were, six or eight little red pills, all neatly lined up in a row along the top edge of the machine. I looked at the pills, then looked at mom and asked “What the hell are those?” Wholly shit, I thought I was going to die. She lunged at me. As she was coming towards me she’s saying ”That’s what I want you to tell me. And don’t try to lie about it. I know what you college kids are up to. You have seven brothers and sisters, do you think I’m stupid? I know what’s going on. What do you think I’m some kind of fool? I watch 60 minutes, I watch the news. You better tell me what those are. I can’t believe you brought that stuff into my house. What would your father say? What do you think your father would do? Do you want me to call the police…….” I recoiled in fear. I’m looking for something to use to fend her off. Maybe if I drop to the floor and curl up into the fetal position she’ll leave me alone. Maybe if I close my eyes…..
I again looked at the pills. I shrugged my shoulders and told her I didn’t know. She’s now so tense she's starting to crack, she's bursting at the seams. That foot is again tapping. It’s so fast she’s hovering. She again launches into a string of “Don’t give me that, they came out of your pocket….(yadda yadda yadda)”
I looked at mom then grabbed a couple of pills. As I did, mom’s eyes widened. I opened my mouth and threw them in. You could literally see mom starting to explode. She seemed to inflate to twice her size. Fire and smoke were just steaming out of every orifice. She yelled “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT ARE THOSE?” You could see it in her face, I was already dead.
I very calmly said “Tic Tacs, want one? Can I go back to bed?”
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