You know, you can never tell just how or when your kid is going to throw you under the bus. Oh sure, the day can be going along just fine, then WHAM out of nowhere, there you are, in trouble up to the eyeballs. And it usually starts so innocently.
Cait the Great was young; I’m talking like 3 years old young. I mean she’s young enough that she’s not in school yet, but old enough to be walking and talking. The family is at the in-laws for dinner. After dinner, I grabbed Cait and took her for a walk. Dan was too young, he wasn’t quite yet walking. We left him behind to fend for himself. It was time to clean up from dinner and I wanted no part of that. My job was done, I was there to eat. So Caity and I are walking and all of a sudden she started gacking. I asked her what was wrong. She said a bug or something was in her throat. I did what any dad would do. I told her to spit it out and kept walking. She’s gacking and choking and making all manner of ungodly noise. She asked where to spit it. Again, being a dad I said, “on the ground, duhhhh” and didn't break stride. I just kept going. A short discussion ensued regarding spitting on the ground. Caitlin won’t do that. She’s choking and hacking and gurgling but won’t try to spit out the bug because, spitting on the ground is gross. It’s not the act of spitting that bothers her, it’s that fact that, well, she’s going to just do it on the ground. Eeewwwww, gross, icky pooo, the ground is dirty. I just shake my head. Whose kid is this and where does she get such whacky ideas. Anyway, I looked up the street and saw a sewer grate. I took her hand and walked her to the grate and told her to do it there, that’s what sewers are for. She leaned over the grate and started making all kinds of funny noises and faces. I asked her what she was doing. She looked at me and said, “I don’t know how.” I’m puzzled. I thought spitting was one of those instinctive things that you were born just knowing how to do. You know, it just came naturally, like breathing. After a couple of minutes of questioning whether she was kidding me, I decided to show her. We practiced the “technique” into the sewer. Eventually she gets it down and after another few minutes she said the “bug” was gone. We continued walking. We got to another sewer and she started spitting into in again. I’m like, “Cait, are you alright?” She said that she felt like the bug might still be in there. She does this a few times and then we move on. Eventually we headed back. Every sewer we passed she stopped and did her new trick. She gets to the sewer in front of Grammies and I had to tell her to stop spitting. I told her I would be in big trouble if Grammie saw her doing that in front of her house. We went inside. I thought nothing more of the whole episode. Cait had something in the back of her throat. She had gotten rid of it. Enough said.
I used to work in Boston. I commuted on the train. Lisa used to drop me off and pick me up every day. We only had one car. We only needed one car. When the weather got nice, Lisa and the kids would wait for me on the train platform. Lisa would wait with the other mothers and the kids would play together. There were maybe four or five women that would meet and chat while waiting for the train.
One glorious summer day I was leaving work and was in a terrific mood. I picked up flowers for Lisa and was looking forward to the big hug I would get from Caity as I got off the train. I was surprised when the train pulled into the station and no one was waiting for me. I could see the car, but Cait wasn’t on the platform. It was a little unusual, but I thought nothing of it. I got in the car and Lisa shot me one of those looks. She had fire in her eyes. The look she shot me was not one of those “hey baby I’m burning with desire for you” looks. It was more of an “If we weren’t in public I’d punch you in the face” look.
Before I could say a word, Lisa asked”What did you teach Caitlin?” I said “What?” She repeated her query, “What did you teach Caitlin?” I said “what? When?” Lisa said “Last week, at my mother’s house, what did you teach Caitlin?” I said “Nothing, what the heck are you talking about?” Then Lisa told me a little story.
Seems Lisa WAS out on the platform waiting for me. She WAS talking to the other mothers and the kids WERE playing. The women were in their little “mother pod” chatting it up when one of the mothers yelled “STOP THAT!” at her son. The kids stopped what they were doing and all the other mothers turned to see what was going on. They turned just in time to see my daughter spit into the sewer. This woman now starts scolding her son for spitting in front of my daughter. To which Cait piped in and said, no she was showing him how to spit. The boys didn’t know how to do it right so she was showing them. Lisa then chimed in with a “CAITLIN, what are you doing?” To which Caitlin very matter of factly looked at Lisa and responded “hucking loogies.” Lisa is now mortified. Lisa asked her where she had learned such a gross, disgusting, filthy, vile habit and that particularly nasty name for it. Without missing a beat Caitlin said “Daddy, he said I should huck loogies into the sewer, that’s what they are there for” There’s my darling little three year old daughter, surrounded by a group of 3 year old boys, teaching them to spit into the sewer because, I told her that’s what they are there for. This little episode ended with each mother grabbing their child and retreating to their own car to wait for their respective commuter to return.
So there was Lisa standing on the platform hand in hand with her cute little daughter in a pretty pink dress with the bow in her hair. They are standing all alone because this cute little girl was a bad influence on the boys. Eventually, Lisa too retreated to the car.
I’m in the car listening to Lisa tell the story. I looked at Cait and she’s back there smiling. “Hi Dad, Luv ya, how was your day?” She hasn’t a clue. I don’t remember Lisa waiting for me on the platform with the kids ever again. Hey, what was I suppose to do, let the kid choke on a bug? How was I supposed to know that she would end up being the central figure in the “Great Sewer Expectoration Debacle?” Or that Lisa would never ever again feel free to show her face at the train station.
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