I’ve been traveling on business for years. The guy that hired me did a good job of selling the better half on the value of frequent flyer miles and hotel points. So good in fact that I was never able to take advantage of any of them to ease my own travel burden. Noooooo, I had to save up all my points so that the “family” could use them for vacations. Yes honey, that’s what I want to do for vacation. Let’s fly somewhere, stay in a hotel and eat out every night. Sounds an awful lot like work to me. So anyway, as I was saying, I seldom if ever used my points for an upgrade to first class, or a better room in the hotel or even a better class car. I’m a good husband; I do what I’m told. She won’t let me do anything else.
One of my customers is in Savannah GA. I was down to see this customer with another consultant not that long ago. It was mid May. The weather was gorgeous. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the scent of honeysuckle was floating gently on the breeze. There was nary a cloud in the sky. It was a glorious day. As I was picking up my rental car I was informed that they were out of intermediate sized cars. As a matter of fact, there were just two cars left on the lot. They only had a minivan and a Dodge Sebring convertible. Both are considered an “upgrade”. I was told I could take either, at no additional cost because they had run out of cars. It was my choice, I could take what I wanted. Now I was all excited. Oh boy, a free upgrade. And a convertible to boot. I’ve not rented a convertible before. This ought to be great! I would get to drive around Savannah, on a gorgeous evening with the top down enjoying the fresh air and scenery. Yeah baby, who's luckier than me?
My traveling partner is on a flight about an hour behind me. Perfect. I’ll get the car and wait for him at baggage claim. Maybe I’ll make dinner reservations. I can hardly wait to start my evening cruise through downtown with the top down.
Eventually the other consultant and I met up. He gets his baggage and we head for the car. I can hardly wait to tell him our good fortune. On our way to the car I tell him the story about our good luck in getting upgraded to the convertible. As soon as I tell him, he stops dead in his tracks. He looks at me as asks “Are you serious?” I’m smiling ear to ear. My response was yes, of course I was serious. He looked at me and said “that F’n sucks. You’re not putting the top down”. Now I’m perplexed, I’m puzzled I’m confused. I was excited to finally get a car that was not my normal Chevy Malibu. This car was great, it was happening, it was a babe magnet. I mean, just look at it, a burgandy convertiable with a buckskin top and gold wheels. I mean, we were going to be styl'n. I had visions of driving through downtown with the top down, elbow on the door, radio play’n. I’d be wear’n my Ray Ban’s. I’d be hip, I’d be suave, I’d be cool. All of a sudden, my fantasy was smashed, this guy thinks the whole thing is going to “suck” and doesn’t want the top down.
Now I was a little irritated. I’m like “John E, what’s the problem, what’s wrong with a convertible?” He looked at me and said “They are too small.” I looked at him and said. “Hey, there’s only the two of us. My stuffs already in the trunk. You can put your computer bag in the trunk with my stuff and your suitcase on the back seat, we’ll be fine.” He looked at me and repeated that the car is too small. We volleyed this back in forth for a few minutes then he finally looked at me and said “You don’t understand, I’m too big. I don’t fit.” I said “Bullshit, you’ll be fine.” As we put his stuff in the back seat he looked at me and said, “You’re not putting the top down.”
We got in the car and drove off. As we were leaving the airport all I’m listening to is how much this “sucks”. Finally I looked to see what the problem was. There he was, his legs spread apart with his knees buried into the dash board. He’s all hunched over with his head tipped to the side; it’s lying on his left shoulder. His head is buried into the canvas of the convertible top. The car top is actually stretching around his head. His arms are folded across his chest; he has nowhere else to put them. I looked at him and said “Wholly shit John, Why don’t you just tip the seat back?” He looked at me and responded “You’re such a dick. I can’t. My suitcase is on the back seat so my seat won’t recline.” Sure enough, there was the suitcase filling up any space that could have been used to recline the seat. At this point I offered to return to the car rental and swap out the convertible for the Minivan. My partner was “No, let’s just get out of here.” Then I started saying “Let’s put the top down, at least that will give you some head room. He looked at me and said “F You, you're not putting the damn top down.” Eventually I stopped arguing and we headed into Savannah.
Before we hit the hotel we stopped for dinner. As we got out of the car, he just looked at me and said “This car sucks bro. I told you it was too small.” While we were eating I kept trying to convince him the thing to do was put the top down. There was no way he wants that. Under penalty of death, he wanted the top to stay up. I finally asked point blank why he was so adamant about keeping the top up. He’s now getting testy, now he’s a little irritated. Finally he looked at me and said “BECAUSE I'LL LOOK LIKE THE GRAPE APE!”
I just looked at him and asked “What the hell is that?” He said, “You know, the Grape Ape.” I said no, what the heck is the Grape Ape. He’s now looking at me like I’m from another planet. He goes, “You know the Grape Ape, the cartoon. “ I’m like, “Nah, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Finally he just said “Forget it, you're just not putting the top down.”
We got back to the car after dinner and John E squeezed himself back into the front seat. From outside, you could see the top of his head trying to poke through the roof. Finally, I looked at him and said, “Screw this, I’m senior man here. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m putting the top down.” He replied “No, don’t do it. I’m not going to be seen driving around with the top down with another guy.” I looked at him and asked, "Why not?" He looked at me and said "Because it's so gey. Two guys riding around in a chick car with the top down is gey." To which I said “John, don’t worry about it at least you’ll be able to sit up straight. Besides, this isn't a chick car, it's a chick magnet." He’s now arguing with me again. He doesn’t want the top down, period. Finally he gave in, after all, I out rank him, I'm the Senior Consultant on this gig, my say goes. As he gave in, he looked at me and said “If anyone says anything to us, I’m putting the damn top back up. You could be the president of the G D world, anybody says anything and the top's going up.” I just looked at him and said “John E, who the hell is going to say anything to us? Relax will you.”
We put the top down. I’m all excited now, this is what I wanted all along. My partner is not happy. I looked over at him and burst out laughing. There he was, his head sticking up out of the car up beyond the top of the windshield. He looked at me and said “Dude, this SUCKs. I told you, I look like the Grape Ape. I don't fit in this car even with the top down. Nobody better say anything.” Again I told him to relax. As we were pulling out of the parking lot at the restaurant, there was a homeless guy sitting on the curb. He took one look at us, stood up, pointed and started to sing and dance. His song went:
Roll'n down the road with the top down
Two guys in a car they’re headed downtown
Wind in their hair
They don't have a care….
As we got onto the road this guy started yelling after us. "Hey guy's were are you go'n. You look good in the car man. Oh man, that car fits you. It looks like you're wearing it like a shirt (John E thinks he said skirt. I'm writing the story, so I'm goin with shirt, John E can tell the story any way he wants, but I'm saying shirt).
That was all John E needed to hear. He grabbed the steering wheel and yelled “PULL OVER.” He yanked the wheel and we pulled to the curb. At this point he didn’t ask to have the top put up. He TOLD me to put the top up. I may not be the brightest bulb in the circuit, but I understood that message. I don't know if you picked up the subtle hint woven throughout this story but, John E is a big guy. When he puts his foot down, I'm not arguing with him. I mean, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. The top went up and didn’t come down again.
In 13 years of traveling I got exactly one rental car upgrade. I got a convertible. I was able to drive almost 100 yards with the top down. I didn’t understand the Grape Ape reference. Then one day I looked it up.
THE GREAT GRAPE APE THEME
(Grape Ape!) Over 40 feet high!
(Grape Ape!) Just a little bit shy!
(Grape Ape!) What a super-strong guy!
(Yup, that's me!) The Great Grape Ape!
(Grape Ape!) If he comes to your town,
(Grape Ape!) He will really put down
(Grape Ape!) Any bad guy around!
The Great Grape Ape!
What a sight to see him jogging, block after block!
Things begin to shake and quake and rattle and rock!
THE BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG GORILILILILILILILA!!!!!!!!
(Grape Ape!) I do not recommend
(ACHOOOOO!) He is one to offend...
(Grape Ape!) So, be sure he's your friend!
(Better be sure!) The Great Grape Ape!
