Herbie Reed tagged me with the nickname Slow Joe a hundred years ago. He and a couple of other people who shall remain nameless thought that moniker was funny (see John Kelly of North Carolina fame, I didn’t mention your name. I kept your identity secret ). I like the name so I use it periodically as my online nom de plume and super secret identify. Herbie tagged me with Slow Joe because of the obvious. He never saw me rush, especially coming over the hill on my bike on the way to work. My response was “OH YEAH, you never see me rushing, but I’m never late for anything. phtttttttthth”. Besides, who rushes to work? Of course I was going slow, I didn't want to go to work in the first place. Well, now I’m older and a lot less wiser and I have to admit I really am slow. I still don’t rush. But that’s mainly because I can’t. None of the moving parts move quite the same as the used to. They all kind of just creak and groan then stay put. My joints protest every move, and therefore move as little as absolutely possible. It’s like they need a liberal application of lubricant. On top of that, I am NOT as quick on the uptake as I used to be. Maybe I never was and it’s only now that I’m realizing it. But boy oh boy I gotta admit it, sometimes I just don’t get it. You know, I understand Keynesian Economics, I get the Theory of Relativity and I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But I gotta tell ya, there are just some things that are way beyond me.
If you peruse some of my writings, you will notice some recurring themes. One of those themes is I like to play golf. Another is that many of my golfing buddies are a lot younger than I am. Finally, you’ll notice that there is a liberal about of harassment being inflicted by and on me. This quick little story touches on all three.
So I’m at the annual WBFL golf outing and demolition derby. There are maybe 16 of us in total at this extravaganza. I’m paired up with Dangerous Dan the Man. We’ve checked in and have taken the cart down to the car to get our clubs. We’ve got the cart all loaded and are waiting for everyone else. One of the guys LGM (Little Gay Mark) is standing there busting everyone’s crackers like he usually does when all of a sudden, out of his pocket he pulls a HUGE bag of Swedish Fish. You know what Swedish fish are right? They’re those little red gummie candies shaped like fish. Well, now he starts taking some ribbing about the fish. You know, things like: How old are you? Do you need some kool aide to go with those? Did your mommy pack those with you lunch? etc etc etc. Eventually we finished harassing LGM and started to head up to the first tee. As we were pulling out of the parking lot on our carts, LGM shouted for everyone to wait. He started making a scene saying he’s forgotten something. He went running to the car and started rummaging around. After a couple of seconds he came out of the car and started heading my way. He came over to my cart and handed me a BIG box of Fig Newton’s. He must have gotten this box at BJs or something cuz, the box was big, I mean really big, I’m surprised he could lift it big. Anyway he handed me the box of Newton’s and said “Here, I got these for you.” and walked off.
Now I’m sitting in the cart holding a big box of cookies. I like Fig Newton’s. Guilt is starting to get the better of me and I'm starting to feel badly for teasing Mark about the fish. I was thinking to myself, "WOW, what a thoughtful and useful gift, how did he know I like Fig Netwon's?" I looked at LGM and said thanks. I started saying things about not picking on him the rest of the day, maybe I shouldn’t be teasing him and so on. All the while, I’m thanking him profusely for the cookies. LGM is like, don’t worry about it, just eat your cookies. What happened next puzzled me. It caused me pause. It made me wonder just what was happening. After Mark said "eat your cookies" he burst out laughing. All the other guys burst out laughing too. I looked at Dan an asked, “what’s so funny?” Dan just looked at me and said, “How am I suppose to know, they’re your friends. I like Fig Newton’s. Can I have a cookie?” I opened the box and took a couple of cookies for me and handed a couple to Dan. As I did, the laugher intensified. I looked at LGM and asked if he had done something to the cookies. He said no, and that I should eat up. I’m looking at Dan and wondering what the hell is going on. I asked Dan to check the date on the box. Maybe the cookies are a couple of years out of date or something. Nope, everything is good. So I looked at this group of giggling guys and asked if any of them wanted a cookie. Now they are peeing themselves. They are dying. A couple are laughing so hard they can’t even talk. I looked at Dan again and asked “Do you know what’s going on? What’s so funny? Why are they laughing? What’s so funny about Fig Newton’s?” Dan just looked at me and said, “I don’t know dad, I like Fig Newton’s.”
So, we tee off and start playing. Dan and I are playing golf, eating cookies and having a ball. I mean, I’m in heaven. I would normally take a sleeve of the tasty little snack cakes with me anyway. Now I have a whole giant box. It’s a fine day if you ask me. So we finish the front nine and stop for a drink at the club house. As we are heading off to the 10th tee, the whole group of guys is standing around finishing their drinks. As Dan and I head off, I hear LGM ask about the cookies. When he does, the whole place just explodes with laughter. As Dan and I drove off, we were listening to a chorus of laughter and taunts about the Newton’s. Again I looked at Dan and ask “Do you know what that’s all about?” Again he looked and me and said, “I don’t know, I like Fig Newton’s.” With that, he grabbed another handful.
We finish playing and now we are at the cars putting the clubs away. As the rest of the guys drove up, they all asked about the cookies. I told them that yes, I was enjoying my cookies and asked if anyone wanted one. All refused and all were laughing. I looked at Dan and asked him if if he knew what was so funny. He just shrugged his shoulders and said “I like Fig Newton’s” I said “So do I. I don’t get the joke. Are we missing something? What the hell is so funny?” Dan just shrugged and said “I don’t know” and finished the end of the box.
Every time we get together somebody asks me about Fig Newton’s. Inevitably when the question comes up, everyone laughs. I had someone put something on my facebook wall referencing Fig Newton’s just the other day. I just don’t get it. What the hell is so funny? What the hell am I missing? I mean come on guys, it’s been three years. Could somebody let me in on the joke? Am I’m missing something good. Then again, maybe I’m missing something bad. Am I the butt of some obscure joke? Well, obviously yes I guess. How funny can it be? They’re all laughing so it must be a good one. I like good jokes. Can somebody PLEASE explain this one?
I just don’t get the joke. Guess I’m just a little too slow to figure it out. Maybe someday someone will let me in on it. If I had to guess I'd say I think it's some kind of old guy prank. But what the heck, I like Fig Newtons.
