Sasquatch Golfs

I just got home from the Walsh Family Reunion and Golf Tournament. Now, I’m not a Walsh, I’m just a guest. Let me start off by acknowledging the Walsh’s and thanking them for continually inviting me back to the show, it always a great time. Seriously, thank you. It was a lot of fun.


This year the show traveled to Myrtle Beach. We played at Legends. The fourth in our foursome was an officer with the local Sheriff’s Department. How they chose to have Officer Man Mountain play with us I’ll never know. Maybe it was a pre-emptive measure. I mean after all, John E and Leo do have a bit of a reputation. No lie, this guy was and is a giant. When it got too hot out on the course, I and about a dozen others just stood in the shade of his shadow. This guy could palm a medicine ball. He rode in the cart with me. Our cart was like a motorcycle, it rode on two wheels; the two on his side of course. When this guy took a divot, the entire course trembled. It registered on the Richter Scale. The first time I heard his club hit the ground it sounded like the Mythbusters detonating a cement mixer. He knocked the round right off of the golf ball. On the 5th hole, I think he knocked one completely inside out. There are not many people I’m afraid to heckle, Officer Sasquatch is one. It was the most subdued round of golf I played in a long time. There was no, “Hey do you inhale or exhale on your back swing? I’m trying to figure out if you suck or blow” or “Let me give you some advice, take up tennis” in this round.

Man Mountain was a little, how should I say this? Scary, I guess that’s the best word for it, he was scary. Every time he spoke to one of us he started and ended the comment with “Boy”. Things like “Boy, how long you be’n a play’n this game? Shoot boy, last time a saw a hook like that it was in a fish's mouth. I tell you what,  I’m gonna straight’n you out and get you to hit the fairway by the end of this round boy. You wait and see, I’m gonna fix you up good boy.” He kept saying this kind of stuff to my friend Leo. No kidding.

So, after about 6 holes, Officer Sasquatch sprung into action. Leo teed the ball up. As he started to get ready to hit, Sasquatch seized his opportunity. He looked at us and started in “Shoot boy, what the hell are you a doin? Tee that ball up right. It aint that hard boy, here, let me straighten you out.” With that, he walked over to Leo. Leo’s standing there with his legs spread in his ready to swing stance and here comes Sasquatch. I couldn’t really see what happened, all I know is Officer Scary squatted down in front of Leo and started to say something about his balls. Something about Leo’s balls being too low. When you play golf, your balls need to be higher. I couldn’t make it all out; a lot of it was garbled. I was standing there in awe of what I was seeing. Officer OhmyGod was on his knees in front of Leo squirming around making all manner of garbled noises after just talking about Leo’s balls, and Leo was tense. Really, really tense. He wasn’t in his ready position any longer and he wasn’t moving a muscle. After a minute, Officer Sasquatch stood up, wiped off his brow and said “There you go boy, now hit that thing, hit that ball. Hit it hard.” So Leo got in his ready position and was about to swing. Office Man Mountain again sprung into action. As Leo addressed the ball, Sasquatch said “Shooooooooot Boooooooy, what the hell are you a doin? Relax, you’re too tense. Wiggle them hips first boy.” With that, he again walked up to Leo. He put his hands on Leo’s hips and started in. “Come on Boy, wiggle them hips, loosen up. You know how to do it, relax. Boy, look at the way you are holden that club. What are you try’n to choke a chicken? Soft hands. That’s it, nice and easy, hold the shaft, all nice and soft like. Get in the rhythm, come on nice and easy, move with me, relax, hold it soft then hit that thing.” All the while he’s swaying back and forth, with his arms around Leo’s hips. After what seemed like an uncomfortable eternity, Office Sasquatch released Leo. He walked to that back of the tee looked at Leo and said, “Come on now Peckerwood, hit that thing.” Leo took a mighty swing and WHACKED that ball. It was his worst drive of the day. The thing took off at about a 90 degree angle from the Tee box and headed deep into the weeds. Leo turned to leave the tee and you could see it. He was trembling, and I think there was a tear in his eye. Office Scaryman called him Peckerwood for the rest of the day.

Sasquatch has a very interesting manner of speaking too. At the time, I did not understand the vernacular and was afraid to ask. And the accent, well NOBODY understood the accent. I never really understood what he was saying. I was never quite sure if it was supposed to be an insult or a compliment. I eventually just started assuming it was all insult. Since I got home, I’ve been trying to decode what he was saying. This is what I’ve got so far.

• Yankee – Someone from “up north” that goes “down south”

• Damn Yankee – A guy from up north who goes down south and stays

(There was also something about a Yankee being like a quickie, but I’m not going to go there.)

• Y’all – Anyone and everyone but the person speaking

• Yonder – Anyplace but here, usually within eyesight and typically accompanied by a finger point or a head nod.

• Peckerwood – This one is definitely an insult. Supposedly it is the rough equivalent of “Cracker”.

• Cracker - Sorry, still don't have a clue. I'm pretty sure it's not a term of endearment though.

(There were a lot of woodpecker references. Too many to list. I’m lumping them all into the insult category)

• Rub'n is Rac'n - I think that meant he wanted me to pass the other golf cart. Either that or T-bone them.

• Tighter than a tick on a hound dog's ass - I think that means his ball "plugged" or he had no shot or something like that. Of course he WAS talking to Leo (Peckerwood) every time he said it.

• Plant’n taters – I think this mean your divots are too deep.

• Slick as a mater sammich – I’m sorry, I’m still working on this one. Clues? Anyone? A little help please.

Next year I’m bringing a notebook and a Red Neck Dictionary.

Thanks Uncle Mike, it was a great time. Thank you for inviting me into your home. Thanks for teaming us up with Man Mountain. He may be a little scary, but he is fun to golf with. It should be even more fun next year; I won’t be so scared of him. OK, so that’s a lie, he’s still going to scare the bejeezes out of me. Thank you Walsh Family for letting me participate in your annual Reunion and Golf Tournament. It is a lot of fun.