Coffee Time - A Tale of Two Dunkin Donuts

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It is amazing how one minute something strikes you as just the funniest thing in the world then the next, the same thing just makes you crazy. Take for example a simple cup of coffee. It’s just coffee right, what’s simpler? I suppose the only easier thing to get would be a glass of water. But coffee does take some assembly and it’s not always that easy.

A couple of months ago I pulled into the ol' double D (Dunkin Donuts for the lay people) in Foxboro for coffee on my way to work. I was at the drive through. When it's my turn to order I rolled down the window and asked for a medium decaf with cream and one sugar. The voice at the other end repeats the order and says "One medium hot coffee, regular, will there be anything else?" To which I replied “No, I ordered a medium decaf with cream and one sugar." The person on the other end repeated the order and said "OK, that’s one medium hot coffee and one medium decaf......." To which I had to stop them mid sentence and tell them they had the order wrong. I said I only wanted one coffee. I repeated my order again, a medium decaf with cream and one sugar. The voice on the other end said "OK, sorry. That's one medium hot decaf with milk and sugar." I then have to interrupt them again and say "NO, THAT's CREAM and one sugar". The person on the other end then asks, "So how many coffees do you want?" I said "one, I only want one coffee with cream and one sugar.” To that, the person on the other end taking to order says. "OK, so that's one medium hot coffee with cream and one sugar". To which I have to say "NOOOOOOOO, THAT"S DECAF !!!!!". The voice from the speaker then says," OK, Thank you drive up". I'm left loudly repeating my order to an abandoned drive-up menu board "THAT"S ONE MEDIUM HOT DECAF WITH CREAM AND ONE SUGARRRRRRRR.” Dooooooooh.

So I pulled up to the window to get my coffee. The woman leans out and hands me a coffee and says that'll be $1.90. Before I grabbed the coffee I asked, "That's decaf right?" The woman responded "Yes". I looked at her and asked “Are you sure, the cup in not marked, usually they write DC1S on the side of the cup.” The woman at the drive up window turns to the woman making the coffee and asks if my coffee is a decaf. The woman making the coffee looks at her, then at me and says "yes, decaf, milk and no sugar". I looked at the coffee lady and responded "No, that's cream and one sugar." I held up one finger (Index, let's not go there) and repeated ONE SUGAR. I'm not yelling or anything, but I am speaking distinctly. The woman at the window starts to recoil back into the shop saying "Let me make you another one." I said "NO, please just give me that one and a couple of sugar packets." The women looked at me and said "No, no, no, let me make you another one." I'm like, "You do HAVE sugar packets, right?" She said yes. I said "Just let me have the coffee and a couple of packets of sugar. It'll be alright."

I got my coffee and my sugar packets and drove off. Before I left the parking lot I pulled over to add my sugar. Before I did, I tasted it just to make sure. Well, there must have been 10 sugars in this cup of coffee. OK, maybe that is an exaggeration. But at the window, the woman making the coffee said there was no sugar. This cup had at least two.

I burst out laughing. I mean come on, you have to see the humor in this. It's a freak'n cup of coffee. How hard is it to make a cup of coffee? I didn't add any more sugar. I kept the cup they had given me. I drove off in stitches. I gotta tell ya, I enjoyed every drop of that coffee. Every sip made me laugh.

About 30 minutes later in the office I realized that there was more wrong with this cup of coffee than the sugar. I was buzzing off the walls. I couldn’t sit still and was also quite the little chatter box. After the fourth person asked what was wrong with me, it hit me. That was no decaf coffee. I don’t drink regular coffee. I haven’t really had caffeine in years. Heck, a bowl of coffee ice cream in the afternoon keeps me awake all night. Now I’ve had a full octane coffee. I was having world class caffeine buzz.

I made myself a pact. I'm going to this double D every morning until they get my coffee right. When they finally do, I'm going to start ordering food. I’m going to see what TWO items does to them. I can picture it, I'll order a bagel with cream cheese and end up with a double glazed chocolate egg and cheese muffin! Oh, just the thought of it makes me howl.

Unfortunately, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, eventually the humor wears off. I’m starting not to see the joke in all this ‘I can’t get a cup of coffee’ thing.

On the weekends I typically do a DD run for whoever is in the house. I head up to the DD in Franklin over by the country club. I usually get 3 or 4 coffees and something to eat for. Me, I take the egg and cheese sandwich on a sesame bagel. The rest of them just get some sort of bagel and cream cheese of a muffin or something. I really don’t pay that much attention to them. I’m here to tell you, every weekend the Franklin Dunkin Donuts messes something up. Oh, and it’s not funny like the Albanian ladies over there in Foxboro. Oh no no no, it’s not funny at all.

The other day I swung by the Franklin DD. I ordered three coffees and no food. The order was: 1 medium hot coffee with cream and sugar, 1 medium hot coffee with cream and no sugar and one hot decaf with cream and no sugar. (See, I’m learning, I’ll add my own sugar). Pretty simple, right? I mean, it’s three freak’n cups of coffee from a place that’s supposed to crank out hundreds of cups of coffee a day. Really, there’s nothing special here, at least that I can tell. I mean, we’re not ordering a double half caf cappuccino with soy milk and raw sugar in a sippy cup or a triple French dip espresso over ice with sprinkles and a cherry or anything. It’s just three cups of coffee and one of those cups just happens to be decaf. They handed me a tray with three coffees in it. I paid and went home.

When I got home, I handed Cait her coffee. I knew it was hers’ because it said Reg, C + S on the side. I handed Lisa her coffee. I recognized it was hers’ because it said, Reg C on the side. Then I looked at the last cup. It read Reg C + XS on the side. Immediately my blood started to boil. I took a sip to be sure. Yup, lots of sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. As a matter of fact, I think it was just coffee flavored sugar. I jumped back in the truck and raced back up to the ol’ DD. When I got there, I headed inside, I was gonna talk to somebody and they were not going to like it.

I got a new coffee and asked to speak to the Manager. Some 20 nothing kid comes over and asks what he could do for me. GREAT, a freak’n “I don’t care about anything or anyone because I’m 20” year old puke is going to try fix things.

So I launched in. It went like this:

Me: I come here every weekend for coffee and every weekend you guys manage to screw it up.

Puke: I’m sorry; let me get you another one.

Me: I already got a new cup (Word to the wise, get your food and drink BEFORE you argue with the manager) I have to make a second trip up here just because you can’t make a simple cup of coffee?

Puke: I’m sorry sir, but we are very busy

Me: You’re making coffee for Christ sake. You not doing anything too complicated. You are too busy to pour coffee from a pot that right next to you and get it right?

Puke: What was the problem sir?

Me: I ordered a medium decaf with cream and no sugar ...........

And before I could finish the sentence he looked at me and said.

Puke: Excuse me sir, next time you order your coffee just ask for cream only

Me: What???

Puke: Next time, just ask for a decaf with cream only. That’s the way you are supposed to order it. Say cream only. It will reduce the confusion for the staff.

Me: Are you seriously telling me that saying “no sugar” confuses the staff?

Puke: Yes sir, that’s the way we do it here.

Me: You’re kidding me, right?

Puke: No sir, just ask for cream only.

Me: So you are saying when I order a medium decaf with cream and no sugar, saying “no sugar” confuses the staff to the point that they give me a regular coffee and extra sugar?

Puke: Sir, I’m just telling you the way to order your coffee in the future so there is less confusion, just ask for cream only.

Me: And you’re serious?

Puke: Yes sir

Me: You people are that simple? Really? Saying “no sugar” causes your staff to (expletive deleted) both the type of coffee and the amount of sugar in it? Seriously? You’re joking? It’s a cup of coffee. It’s not rocket surgery. You guys are pouring coffee all day. How hard can that be? Are you seriously trying to tell me that pouring coffee is too difficult a task for you if I say “no sugar”?

Puke: I don’t know what to tell you, we are very busy, especially in the morning.

Me: Let me get this straight, I ordered two regular coffees and a decaf. When I picked up my order at the window, I asked if I had a decaf. The person who gave it to me, that guy over there, said there was a decaf in the tray. In reality, I had three regular coffees, even though I was just told there was a decaf in the tray. You are saying that that guy right over there poured the wrong coffee, then told me it was the right coffee because I said “no sugar” instead of “cream only”. Is that what you are saying?

Puke: I don’t know what else to tell you sir. Next time just say cream only.

Me: I guess you guys are that stupid. I wouldn’t have thought pouring coffee was that difficult. Something is wrong with my order every weekend. Lucky for me, I work right next to the Dunkin Donuts headquarters building up there in Canton. I will be stopping by on my way to work first thing Monday morning and lodging a complaint about this store and you personally.

Puke: I don’t know what you want me to say. We are a very busy store.

Me: Don’t say anything else, you’re not helping. You’ve said enough. “I’m sorry, here have a free donut” would have sufficed when I walked in. But you are standing there looking me in the face trying to explain away the umpteenth screw up of my very simple coffee order with the excuse that “no sugar” is too complicated a phrase for your staff to understand. Every weekend you guys mess up something in the order and the excuse you expect me to accept is that the problem is my fault because I said “no sugar” instead of “cream only” . Unbelievable. I am amazed at the lame excuse. Customer service is a lost art. I actually do work next to the headquarters. I will be stopping in to speak to someone about this.

With that I headed back home. There was nothing else to say and no satisfaction to be won here. This kid did not care at all.

I don’t know why I get such a kick out of the Foxboro store. Maybe it truly is the Albanian ladies. I don’t know if they are Albanian or not, I don’t recognize the accent. But in my world, I’ll say they are Albanian. They look like they are having fun. The smiles I get from them every morning make me smile too. What I do know is, after the go-gillianth wrong coffee, I don’t find anything funny about the Franklin DD.

As a final note, I really do work next to the DD Headquarters in Canton. No, I did not go in and complain. Too much effort. I had calmed down by Monday and they are just a bunch of kids anyway. Going and complaining will cause me more trouble than it does them.  And besides, Lisa and Cait still go there. You know what they say, never argue the bill with the Dentist BEFORE he cleans your teeth. Same thing. I’m not looking for a sneezer, if you know what I mean