OK, so now that I’m talking about the ladder from hell it got me thinking. I figure what the heck, might as well keep talk’n about the adventures of Ladderman. (Dauntless creator of stoopidity)
So after a whacked myself on the head I sat on the ground for a while to let the cob webs clear. Finally I figured, well I still gotta paint the house and I’m burning daylight. I might as well have back at it. This time I HAVE to be more careful. I went and checked the ladder and it seemed OK. What the heck, it’s just a big hunk of metal, nothing to hurt there. Maybe I should have a metal head.
I got the ladder back in position where I needed it. This time it’s lying on the ground. I know I can’t balance it and raise it while it’s standing so I figure, what the heck, I’ll extend it on the ground. Which I did. I extended the ladder a far as it could go, all forty feet. It was easy, it was still laying on the ground. Now I had to stand it back up. So again I pushed the feet up against the wall of the house and started to raise Jacobs Ladder (Jacob’s Ladder? You know, Jacob saw a ladder reaching up to heaven with the angles climbing up and down. OK, so I’m stretching) I picked up the end. This time instead of sliding my hands up the rails, I started to walk it up using the rungs. See, much smarter now. Can’t hit me in the head if I’m holding them now can they. It’s not too bad at first. It’s a little heavy but manageable. However the closer I got to the midpoint, the heavier this thing got. Once I reached the midpoint, I started to think maybe this wasn’t such a bright idea after all. Pick up a gallon of milk. Not too bad right? Kind of light don’t you think? Now, try to pick up the same gallon using a 10 foot pole. Go ahead, put a gallon on the floor 10 feet away. Stick a pole through the handle and try to lift it. Much harder, right? Seems much heavier doesn’t it? Now try the same thing only put the gallon 20 feet away. Almost impossible isn’t it? Well this ladder weighed more than a gallon of milk and there was way more than 20 feet hanging behind my head. And the feet on the foundation wall were starting to dance. OOooooooohhhhhh, so that’s what happened last time, the feet slipped. Discretion being the better part of valor, I decided to put the ladder back down and devise another plan.
I laid the ladder down on the ground before I dropped it again. I knew I could stand it up if I collapsed it, but then how would I raise it? Then I came up with a plan. I stood the ladder right up against the house. I raised it the couple of rungs that I could. Then I leaned the ladder over the lower edge of the roof. Now I could use the roof to support the ladder and I could raise it as high as I needed. Another BRILLIANT plan. The plan, it was flawless. And it worked too. I got the ladder fully extended. But now, I have to move it into position in the center of the gable. Not a problem. I’ll lift the bottom and move it over a foot or two, then slide the top over. Not too much mind you. I’ll walk it to the center of the gable very slowly so as not to hurt myself. So, the ladder is still almost straight up and down when I lifted the bottom to move it. It’s heavy, but more than doable. I slid the bottom over a foot or so. When I did, the top of the ladder started to slide down the roof. The roof is pitched. If you’ve ever been on a roof you know that the shingles can be kind of slippery. When I kicked the bottom of the ladder out to the left, the top of the ladder slipped off the roof to the right. Cause and effect. How come I can remember these lessons from Jr High School, but only too late?
Remember the analogy of lifting the milk jug using a 20 foot pole from a paragraph or two ago? Same effect. Once it started to go there was no way I was going to stop it. This 40 foot extension ladder was fully extended, it was heading to earth and there was nothing I could do about it. TTHHHHHAAAAAA-wham!!!, it hit the ground. Not flat like before, but on its side. The damn thing bounced too. My yard slopes away from the front to the house. The ladder may have been 40 feet tall, but the top fell about 75 before it hit the ground. When it did hit the ground, it hit HARD. Now, I’m mad. I’m mad at myself. Damn it, I should have moved the top off the roof first, BEFORE I tried to move the bottom. Oh well, let’s reload and try it again. All well and good except now there’s a problem.
I picked up the end of the ladder and walked it around until I could get the feet back up against the foundation. I needed to do that so I could collapse the ladder again and stand it back up. Except this time the ladder is not collapsing. I’m like, what the hell is that? Why won’t it go down? I started to walk around the ladder to check it out, and then I noticed the problem. Remember I said the ladder fell on its side and that the yard slopes way. Well, it’s not really a slope, it’s more of a little hill thing. The ladder fell across the hill. Now there’s a nice smooth arch to it. The ladder is no longer straight, it’s arched. Not really bent, but arched. SHHHHHEEEEEE-IT. It looks to be only an inch or two or three, but it is definitely arched. NOW what am I gonna do?
I still had to paint the house. What the hell, I may not be able to put it down right now, but I can still go up it. So I put it back up. Now I had to do what I couldn’t do earlier. That is, I had to raise the ladder fully extended. Which I did. I don’t know why I choose to even try. Maybe it was because I had been hit on the head earlier and wasn’t thinking quite right. But I put the damn thing up fully extended. I was lifting and pushing all at the same time. I had to lift it to get it up and I had push it against the foundation to keep pressure on the feet so they wouldn’t slip. Raising that damn ladder was one of the single hardest things I have ever had to do alone.
Eventually, I got the ladder into position and I painted the gable. I got to the point that the ladder was too high. It was time to switch to the shorter ladder. Now what am I gonna do with the big ladder? I sure as hell can’t lower it and there’s no way I’m going to try to bring it down fully extended. The cob webs must of cleared enough for me to start thinking straight because, I didn’t for one split second even consider trying to bring it down extended.
I figured I was going to have to buy my brother a new ladder anyway. What the hell, I’ve dropped this thing a few times already. I might as well drop it again. What the hell can it hurt at this point? So I stood it back straight up and down against the house and flipped it over. I thought I should let it fall on the other side this time. Then I let it fall. TTTTHHHHHHAAAAAAAA-wham!!! It hit the ground again. I swung it around until the feet were back up against the house and tried to collapse it. It slid right back together. No shit. Smooth as butter. I started eyeballing this thing to see why. WHOLEY CRAP, it’s not bent. At least not that I can tell. No more arch. Who’d a thunk it?
I still had another gable to paint. I was smarter the second time around. I waited for Lisa . She stood on the end of the ladder so I could raise or lower it. I still had to extend it using my roof trick, but now I was smart enough to get the top off the roof before I tried to move the bottom.
When I was done painting I very neatly wrapped up the lifting rope and cleaned up the ladder. It looked new again. Any bend or paint or dirt I had gotten on it was gone. I did everything I could to clean it up short of polishing it. I dragged it back over to the driveway. I called my brother and let him know he could come get his ladder. That was over 22 years ago. He’s never said a word to me about the ladder, nor I him. I have never even considered painting the house again. To my way of thinking, a couple of thousand dollars is money well spent not to have to even try.
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